The explanation that reduces your guilt may increase someone else’s need to be heard.

Explaining yourself feels like repair, and often it is the opposite. Every reason you offer takes up room the other person needed for describing what happened to them, and the more convincing your account, the harder it becomes for them to say they are still hurt. Your discomfort goes down. Theirs has nowhere to go.

When you have caused harm, try leading with the effect rather than the intention, and let the explanation wait until it is asked for. Ask what it was like from where they stood, then stay quiet long enough to hear the whole answer. Understanding can come afterwards, once they have been heard.