Getting defensive feels like protection, but it’s a wall between you and the one thing that could help.

Defensiveness arrives instantly and feels like self-preservation, but what it mostly protects is your current picture of yourself. The information heading toward you might be the exact thing that would help, and the wall goes up before you have had a chance to find out. The cost is not the argument; it is the fact you never received.

When you notice the tightening, say nothing for a moment and ask one question instead. Let the person finish, then repeat back what you heard before you decide whether it is true.