You may never get the full “why” on this side. You can still get the Who.

Some explanations never arrive. People wear themselves out assembling a reason for something that will not come together, and the search becomes another injury on top of the first. What is available is not the reason but the company: who is with you in it, and what that says about being held.

If you are stuck on why, notice how much of your energy that question takes and how little it has returned. Let it stay open rather than forcing a meaning you do not believe. Put the energy into who is beside you right now, and let being accompanied be enough for this stretch.