If someone tells you that you hurt them, “how?” is a better first word than “but.”

A but signals that the rest of the sentence is a defense, and they stop listening at that word. How keeps the conversation open long enough for you to find out what happened, which you may not know yet, because what hurt them is often not what you remember. Asking is not agreeing. It just means you want the information before you decide.

When someone says you hurt them, ask what landed, and let them answer without steering. If you turn out to be at fault, you will know exactly what to say, and if you do not, you at least understand the version you were in.