I live in the crowd of jollity, not so much to enjoy company as to shun myself.

Company can be a way of not being alone with yourself, and it looks identical from the outside to genuinely wanting people. The tell is what happens when the room empties: relief, or a scramble for the next thing. Noise is easier than the quiet in which certain thoughts finally get a turn. There is nothing shameful in it, but it is worth knowing which one you are doing.

Give yourself one unfilled hour this week with no screen and no company, and notice what surfaces. If it is unbearable, that is information rather than a verdict. Whatever arrives has probably been waiting a while.