It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

Love and friendship pull on different muscles. Love can survive on intensity for a long time, while friendship needs liking, ease, curiosity and the willingness to be bored together without resentment. Couples who are miserable often still feel strongly about each other; what has gone is the ordinary companionship that makes a shared life tolerable on a Tuesday.

If something feels wrong and you cannot name it, ask whether you still enjoy this person’s company apart from the relationship. Plan an hour together with no logistics, no grievances and nothing to decide. Whether that hour is pleasant or awkward tells you more than another conversation about feelings.