Asking a friend “what’s something I do that bugs you?” is a scary question with a very useful answer.

People rarely volunteer the small irritations, so you can carry one for years without knowing. The question is frightening because the answer cannot be unheard, and because part of you suspects you already know what they will say. That suspicion is usually correct, which is exactly why it is worth hearing out loud.

Ask one person who likes you and will be honest, and ask for one thing rather than a full account. Then say thank you and stop talking, since defending yourself teaches them never to answer again. Sit with it a day before deciding what to do.