When something sets you off, get curious instead of loud. Your reactions are clues.

A strong reaction is information about you, not only about what happened. The size of the response rarely matches the size of the event, and the gap is where the real subject is hiding, usually something older that the moment brushed against. Getting loud spends the energy and buries the signal.

When the heat rises, put a question in front of the reply. Ask what exactly you felt accused of, or what you were afraid would happen next. You can still be angry afterwards, but you will know what about.