“What did I do?” asked with real curiosity is different from “what did I do?” with a raised eyebrow.

The same words can be a question or a challenge, and the other person answers the version they hear, not the one you meant. Asked for real, it opens a door and gives them permission to tell you. Asked as a dare, it warns them the answer will be argued with, so they say nothing and keep the grievance.

Before you ask, decide whether you actually want the information. If you do, ask flat and then stay quiet long enough for them to finish. If you do not, wait until you do, because a loaded question only costs you the answer.