Look back at how your last three fights started. You’ll probably spot the same opening move.

Fights feel like they are about their subjects, but they usually have a standard beginning: a tone you use when tired, a joke at the wrong moment, going quiet instead of speaking. The topic changes while the opening repeats. Spotting it is the useful part, because the first thirty seconds are the only bit you fully control. After that you are both reacting.

Write down how the last three started, not what they were about. Look for your move in there, and pick one replacement to try: a question, a pause, saying you are not up for this tonight. One change at the start alters what follows.