An ordinary kindness offered before being asked can change the tone of the whole evening.

Having to ask changes what you receive. The glass of water, the offered chair, the coat taken at the door: each is small, and the difference between being given it and having to request it is the difference between being expected and being accommodated. Anticipated kindness sets a tone that lasts the rest of the night, because it tells everyone what kind of room they are in.

Look around at the beginning of the next gathering and do one obvious thing before anybody asks. Offer the drink, move the chair, take the bag. Then let it go unremarked.