A family story becomes kinder when the person inside it can revise the telling.

Families keep a small archive of stories about each of their members, and the stories are usually told without the subject having any say. Being the punchline of an anecdote from twenty years ago is tolerable once and wearing by the fortieth retelling, especially when the version told is not quite how it felt at the time. Giving the person in the story a right of reply changes what the telling is for.

At the next gathering, if a familiar story comes up, look at the person it is about. Ask how they remember it, and let their version stand alongside the one everyone knows.