Swap “what’s wrong with them” for “what’s going on with them” and watch people open up.

One question looks for a defect and the other looks for a cause, and people hear the difference before you finish asking. The first sets you up as judge and puts them on trial, so they defend. The second assumes there is a story you do not have yet, and most behavior that seems senseless from outside makes sense once you know what it is protecting.

Try the second version the next time someone is short with you or drops out of a plan. Ask it silently first, then out loud if the door is open. You will meet a different person than the one you expected.