Your history explains your reactions. It doesn’t sign a permission slip for them.

Where a reaction came from and whether it is acceptable are two separate questions. Understanding your own history explains a great deal, and an explanation is not a permission slip, because the person on the receiving end feels the behavior regardless of its origin. Both things stay true at the same time. You can be gentle with yourself and still answer for what you did.

When you overreact, name the old reason privately and apologize for the present effect anyway. Leave out the part where the history becomes the defense. Work on the pattern somewhere quieter than the middle of an argument.