Pretending you don’t care is a costume. Admitting you do is the first honest move.

The costume works by removing the risk of visible failure, since nothing can be lost by someone who never wanted it. What it also removes is every chance of the thing going well, because effort you refuse to admit to has a ceiling built into it. Nobody can chase something properly while maintaining that they do not mind either way.

Start by saying it to yourself with no audience. I want this. Then say it to one person who will not turn it into a joke. Everything practical gets easier once you stop spending energy hiding the want.