Sometimes the anger is loud because something quieter underneath didn’t get heard.

Anger is often the second attempt at communication, arriving after a quieter version went unheard. The volume is rarely about the immediate trigger, which is why the size of a reaction so seldom matches the size of the event. Something smaller came first, usually a request or a hurt, and nobody picked it up.

After the next flare, ask what the quieter thing was and whether you ever said it plainly. Then say that version instead, to the person it belongs to. It is a harder sentence to speak and a much easier one to hear.