You can’t earn grace and you can’t out-mess it either. Both of those should make you breathe easier.

Both halves should take the pressure down. You cannot earn it, which means the exhausting performance you have been running was never required and never worked. You also cannot overwhelm it, which means the thing you did last month did not put you outside the arrangement. Most people only ever take in one of those two halves and spend their lives either striving or despairing.

Stop auditing yourself for a week. Carry on doing the right things, but not as payment. Notice how much of your effort was actually about feeling acceptable rather than being useful.