Growing up includes realizing adults were improvising more than you knew.

At some point you realize the adults were not operating from a plan. They were guessing, doing what their own parents did, reacting under pressure, and hoping it worked out. That is unsettling if you expected competence and freeing once it settles, because it means the mistakes were not judgments about you. They were people managing more than they could manage.

When an old memory of being failed comes up, add the improvising to the picture. It does not excuse everything, and it does explain a lot. It also lowers the standard you hold yourself to now.