When you’re angry at a friend, check underneath. It’s usually hurt wearing a louder jacket.

Anger is fast and it feels strong, which makes it a convenient cover for something smaller and more embarrassing underneath, usually that you were left out, overlooked or let down. The louder feeling gets the microphone, so you end up arguing about the ride home instead of the part that actually stung. Hurt sounds exposed out loud and anger does not, and that is the whole trade.

Before you send the message, finish one sentence privately: what hurt was. Then say that version instead. It lands better, it is closer to true, and it tends to get you an apology rather than a fight about your tone.