Cousins compare grades at every holiday. Be the one who asks how they’re actually doing.

Comparison is the default setting at family gatherings and it helps nobody. Grades, schools, jobs and who is doing well get traded across the table while the actual state of anybody’s life goes unmentioned, and the cousin having the worst year is often the one answering most cheerfully. Somebody has to ask a different question, and it is almost always welcome.

At the next gathering, take one cousin aside and ask how the year has really been, then let the first awkward answer sit until a second one arrives. Do not compete. Being the person somebody tells the truth to is a good position in a family.