A shared surname can conceal very different experiences of belonging.

People with the same surname can have completely different relationships to the family it names. One felt held by it and another felt like a guest, one was the favourite and another the difficulty, and the shared name suggests a shared experience that may not exist at all.

When someone describes their family differently from how you experienced the same one, take it as information rather than a challenge. Ask what it was like for them. Belonging was distributed unevenly in most families, and the people who got less of it are rarely wrong about having noticed.