Questions become powerful when asked to understand rather than to win.

A question asked to win is not a question; it is a move. Everyone can tell, and the conversation becomes a contest where nothing is exchanged. A question asked from actual interest changes the temperature immediately and tends to get an honest answer, which is the only kind worth having.

Before asking something in a disagreement, check your own motive. If you already know what answer you want, you are not asking. Try instead to state their position better than they did, then ask what you have got wrong. It is disarming and it usually produces the thing you wanted to know.