A group can share affection while quietly disagreeing about who owes what to whom.

Warmth and accounting are separate systems, and families run both at once. Everyone can genuinely like each other while holding different views about who should visit, who should call, who did more last time and whether that is still relevant. Because the affection is real, the ledger never gets discussed, and because it never gets discussed, the differences harden. Most long-running resentment in close groups grows in that gap.

If something feels uneven to you, say the small version of it early rather than the large version in five years. And be ready to hear that the other person’s ledger looks nothing like yours, which is usually the actual news.